Shit from my Xanga...kinda out of order but thats okay.

Monday, June 14, 2004

About me... what to say?

I'm tired of trying to be some prep princess that everyone expects me to be. All of this pain, all of this anger I've kept back inside for so long is escaping. Escaping through the cuts on my legs, the slits on my wrists, the tears that I cry. I feel as if my life is going no where. On this prolonged journey of life, fading into the darkness. Alone, out in the cold. Falling within myself, trapped in solitude and trapped within my mind. My life is nothing more than a nightmare. I nightmare in which I wish to awaken from. These tears escape from the deepest depths of my tortured soul. Tormenting myself from the inside out. My hate for the world has tremendously increased throughout these 14 years of my life. So hard to look anyone in the eyes and tell them the truth. Everything I do is a big mistake. I myself am in fact a mistake. I have no reason to be here. Well... not very many reasons. 1-Justin. I'm falling. He means alot to me. I don't know how to handle this considering I've fucked up ALL of my past relationships... Andrew, Derrick, Bo, ect... I really don't want to mess this up. Justin actually understands the reasons I do the things I do. I know I'm pretty fucked up in the head. But somehow he still understands. He has some of the same problems that I have. Ironic, really. Considering I've known him for 2 weeks. But there's this major connection...not knowing what it is. Maybe I don't love him. Maybe I'm twisted up in my pathetic little life to know what love is. Have I ever really, truely been in love? No, I don't think so... Once.. maybe (Derrick) I read the notes Derrick has written me in the past... As follows-
Becca,
How are you? I'm good, right now I'm in tutoring cuz I'm stupid. Well anyway! that sticker you put on my hand left an imprint. It's so cool! Now everytime I look at my hand I'll think of us together. ((Boy that was kinda cheesy))
Guess what? I got on a step for having a papercip wrapped around my pencil. WTF is up with that?!?!? Ohh guess what else? I wrote this on the desk closest to the window. It's our initials! I'm sorry I freaked about how I felt like you were flirting with Josh. If I thought you were going to tell him you guys couldn't be friend anymore I wouldn't have said anything...
I have something to tell you...
...I didn't think this when we first started to fall for each other but I wanted you to know...
...You are the first girl I've ever been truly in love with...
...I have never said that about anyone but you. Rebecca, I want to spend the rest of my life with you...
...When I'm out of college or highschool, where ever I go, I'm going to come back to you...
...And that I swear upon my grave is a promise...
...I love you Rebeccam I love you much more than you realize....
-End-
I guess he's not going to keep his promise, considering he hates me now. He wants me to die, I know he does. I know that I'm never going to be over Derrick... don't misjudge me... I love Justin, but there's still something... wrong...

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

I am on the phone with Justin(Justified lol) at the moment and I'm just thinking about everything. I still feel like I need to get out and clear my head... just leave this place... leave this place and never come back... leave this living hell...
It's amazing when you find some one that you have so much in common with it's scarey... in my case, Justin. For once in my life, some one actually understands me. He has some of the same problems I do... ironic actually. He's bi... I'm bi... it all works out. On that subject... I hate people that think that it's okay for a girl to be lesbian or bi but it's "gross" for a guy to be gay or bi. That really pisses me off. And George Bush needs to go fuck himself because of his new so called "law" that you can't marry a person of the same gender. If you're truly in love it shouldn't matter. But people don't seem to understand that. And another thing that people don't understand is that being bi doesn't mean you want to "fuck" or whatever the same sex it just means that you think that people of the same sex are attractive. But anyway. There's alot more I'll write it later... but I really have to pee! GRR! so yeah I love Justin.....

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

God...

I was just sitting here thinking... I hate my life so badly... why don't I just take my own life so that I will not have to suffer? Well... the truth is, I'm insanely afraid of death. I know that must sound crazy coming from me... but it's true. Where do you go when you die? Heaven... hell? Or do you remain buried in the ground for eternity? Is there even a God? Well these are just my thoughts and beliefs-nothing more:

I do believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for the sins of the human race... how am I to believe that a man-what is God really?-created the entire universe, the stars, the moon, the Earth in which we walk, the sky, the animals, the water, and created each human being to perfection... nevertheless no one is perfect... Jesus Christ was perfect... why can't we all be more like Him? The son of God? Jesus Christ and God are the same person? Maybe I'm just stupid. Because I really don't understand. Must God create things to tempt us with? "Thou shall not give into temptation" if that's true, why are there things to tempt us with? Why do I think as I do? Of thoughts of death and hell? Why are we even here? When you die, if you go to Heaven (assuming there is a God, Heaven, and Hell), you are to serve God for eternity? Why? And still be happy doing so? Heaven-A place where there is no sadness, sickness, crying...ect. And if you go to Hell... you are to be tortured and burned for your sins for eternity? What if I don't want my spirit to be alive for eternity? I personally just want to be put to rest, and not have to worry about my mistakes and the rest of the world. If no one if perfect, how is one to be "accepted" into Heaven? And if Jesus died for our sins, why do we go to Hell if we sin? Maybe I just won't understand until I'm older. If I died to tomorrow... would I go to Heaven or Hell? Or is there really even a God at all?

Last night, to say the least, was a horrible night. I kept waiting and waiting for Justin to call me, but he never did. He said that he would call me at 4, but he never did. He didn't call me at all that night, in fact. He called me this morning. Our conversation:
Justin: I called you last night.
Me: When?
Justin: I tried calling you all day, but no one was answering...
Me: Oh, sorry. Some one must have been on the phone. I thought the reason you didn't call was because you were mad at me.
Justin: I could never be mad at you and I DID call.
Me: I know.
Justin: I was so pissed off and scared.
Me: Why?
Justin: I was pissed because no one would answer the phone and I was scared because I thought you were going to break up with me.
Me: Sorry. Why would I break up with you?
Justin: I don't know, I just thought you were mad at me.
Me: Well I'm not.
Justin: I love you
Me: I love you too.
Justin: I had the craziest dream last night
Me: About what?
Justin: Well that you and Jim were messing around and doing stuff behind my back so I shot him and then I shot myself...
Me: That's horrible. Don't ever talk like that.
Justin: ...sorry
Me: I love you.
Justin: I love you too.
-End- Kind of.

But yeah...

Monday, June 14, 2004

Three names you go by:
1-Rebecca
2-Becca
3-Baby (From Justin lol)

Three things you hate about yourself:
1-My low self esteem
2-My many fears
3-The way I feel sometimes

Three things you don't understand:
1-Life
2-God
3-Myself

Three things that annoy you:
1-My mom
2-When people try to judge me, think they know me..ect
3-When people go from "prep" to "punk" overnight...heh i know many people like that but I still love them.

Three things that scare you:
1-Death
2-Clowns
3-Rejection...sort of..

Three of your everyday essentials:
1-Phone..that means talking to Justin...
2-Razorblades, Knives, Glass, ect...
3-Music

Three of your favorite bands:
1-Slipknot
2-Nirvana
3-Mudvayne

Three of your favorite songs at the moment:
1-Echo-Trapt
2-Anthem of our dying day-Story of the year
3-Wonderwall-Oasis

Three people you spend the most time with:
1-My brother...
2-Justin
3-..yeah

Three things you can't do:
1-Sing
2-Be happy
3-Live without Justin...

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1-Hanging out with friends
2-Skateboarding
3-Reading...kind of... reading weird stuff about death and blood mwah...

Three things you want really bad right now:
1-Justin to call me
2-To be out of this house
3-To not be here at all

Three places you would go on vacation:
1-Cali
2-Europe
3-Hell...DIE!

Three things you want to do before you die:
1-Lose my virginity...oh wait I guess I already did that...so that leaves...nothing...
2-?
3-?

Monday, June 21, 2004

Where to begin? Well Justin finally called me last night... he wrote me another poem. He didn't want to read some parts of it because he was afraid that I would break up with him... but I'm not going to. I'm really glad he told me... in fact, I wish he would have proclaimed it sooner. I promised I would not write exactly what he told me in here... and I am not going to do so. It actually brought me closer to him because I feel like he can really trust me... and I really trust him... (love him). His mom is being... I don't want to say it, but she's not letting him see me... ever again. How do I handle this? I haven't cut myself in... let's see... about 4-5 days? And I am not about to start because like I said... it would hurt Justin. I didn't want to go to sleep last night for the same reason I don't want to go to sleep every night... various reasons actually... one being that I might not wake up. What if I don't wake up? So many things I will miss... what is beyond death... the afterlife? So many questions I will leave with unanswered...

I finally got to talk to Jon last night. He said he might be able to come see me some time this summer... and spend a few days at my house... Justin wasn't too thrilled about that. But he said he trusts me... so yeah. It would be really great to see Jon, considering I haven't seen him since ever...

Another thing that's been bothering me... Bret. Me and Bret used to be so close, I mean he was like my brother. We'd fight all the time, but I really loved him like a bro. Now... I don't know what to say... he hates me... for things I've done... but it's my life, let me live it the way I want to. I did nothing to him though. I have ALWAYS been there for him. I don't care what anyone says. I have tried several times to renew our friendship, but he just won't...

Why does it have to be like this?

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Once again Justin has forgotton to call me... "forgotton". But anyway. He wrote me the sweetest poem the other day... it was rather amusing also... sweet and funny... yes that's it. I'll post it on here as soon as he sends it to me. I wrote a poem for him too, third grade vocabulary was used in mine though.

What's wrong with me? One minute everything seems perfect and the next everything is wrong... something's not right. I don't know what it is... maybe it's because I haven't talked to Justin in a while... I mean REALLY talked to him...

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

I don't want to go to sleep tonight. I know that I will think about horrible things... dream horrible dreams... and I know that he won't be laying beside me when I awake. Alone forever I am destined to be... I know that he's mine, forever and always... and yet, I'm still afraid of losing him... so afraid. When I'm not talking to him I feel so empty... as if something is wrong. The world's so cold... It's so hard to breathe when he's not here with me... the tears escape from within, I want-I NEED him to be here, with me now... and tell me that everything will be alright, even though I know it never will be. I need to hear his voice. I feel so broken... I want to feel how I felt that day when we just sat there and he held me... I can't break this promise. If it were anyone else but him I would... but I just can't. Because it would hurt him. And the last thing I want to do is hurt him... I can barely breathe right now and I can't help but crying so I'm just gunna go...

Come play in the dark with me and my razorblades
Bleed in silence
Cry out into the night of darkness
Take my hand
Take this blade
The blood will dry
The scars will fade...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tears of black run down my face
The past is held inside
My memories you can't erase
These are the blackest tears I've cried...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I sit in my room
I scream and cry
My life full of sins
My soul full of lies

With no one to love
And nothing to prove
Nothing to say
And nothing to lose

All of my life
I’ve dreamed of this day
The end is near
So take me away

Fading with sorrow
Blaming my fears
Bleeding with black
Escaping my tears

Flooding with thoughts
Feeling my pain
Surprisingly numb
Nothing to gain
Give me pride and give me glory
Without a doubt
Another bedtime story...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humble voices
Scream deep inside
Just ignore them…
I’ve tried and tried

I cry and beg
More each day
But these sorrowful voices
Are here to stay

I hear their whisper
I hear their call
If only
One would fall

Silently screaming
I am with tears
I do nothing
But obey my fears
Take away the joy and pain
Silent voices are to blame

Bleeding slowly
I can’t deny
Maybe tonight
I’ll finally die

Die with sorrow
Die with pain
Soon my blood
It shall rain

My soul forever
Shall go on
Now the voices
Will be gone

Loathing anger
Crying deep
The voices here
Will slowly weep

Lost in darkness
I find myself
Although I’m no one
I’m some one else...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the land of darkness shall I dwell
My eternal life, I'll allot in hell
One last breath, that I will yearn
For all my sins, my soul will burn
As malevolent thoughts take over me
Nothing moral will I be...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

All of this pain
I’ve kept back inside
Malevolent thoughts
Take over my mind
When life is too much
And the sorrow is real
The blood will dry
And the scars will heal...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lost in this wrath of darkness within my mind
These pain and feelings deep down inside
I hate the tears I cry each night
Torment and anger I shall not fight
Trapped within these four walls
I lay awake to screams and calls...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I lie awake
And think of you
And all the things
That we’ve been through
I think I’m in love
In love with this blade
In love with this pain
Everyday it’s the same
I look in the mirror
I hate what I see
Dreaming of the day
That you’ll be with me...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

...yeah. Go cry about it.

*Die*


7:52 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it


Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste, Asking why

I'll run away with you, by my side
I'll run away with you, by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride

I think about your face
And how I fall into your eyes
The outline that I trace
Around the one that I call mine
Time that called for space
Unclear where you drew the line
I don't need to solve this case
And I don't need to look behind

Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste, Asking why

I'll run away with you, by my side
I'll run away with you, by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride

Do I expect to change
The past I hold inside
With all the words I say
Repeating over in my mind
Some things you can't erase
No matter how hard you try
An exit to escape
Is all there is left to find

Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste, Asking why

I'll run away with you, by my side
I'll run away with you, by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside

So I close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste, Asking why

I'll run away with you, by my side
I'll run away with you, by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside


This song shows exactly how I feel.. about Justin anyway. 'Cause it's like I've messed up so many times in the past and things that I've been through and he just can't erase my memory... I wish he could though... so much pain.... Is it a dream or a memory?

XRazorbladeKiss8: hi
YouthAgainstEst9: whos this
XRazorbladeKiss8: becca
YouthAgainstEst9: whatd u say to leah
XRazorbladeKiss8: why?
YouthAgainstEst9: what did u say to leah
XRazorbladeKiss8: i asked her why she broke up with u
YouthAgainstEst9: and what else
XRazorbladeKiss8: and i asked her why she liked u
YouthAgainstEst9: and what else
XRazorbladeKiss8: why??
XRazorbladeKiss8: idk?
YouthAgainstEst9: yeah u do
YouthAgainstEst9: dont shit me
YouthAgainstEst9: what else
XRazorbladeKiss8: what did she say i said?
YouthAgainstEst9: she just said u were making u all sad
XRazorbladeKiss8: huh
XRazorbladeKiss8: making what sad
YouthAgainstEst9: and all i ever told ne 1 was how ho she was and nothing else
YouthAgainstEst9: what else did u say to her
XRazorbladeKiss8: making what sad??
YouthAgainstEst9: makin her sad
YouthAgainstEst9: what do u think
YouthAgainstEst9: what else
XRazorbladeKiss8: how did i make her sad
YouthAgainstEst9: idk
YouthAgainstEst9: tell me what u said and mabe i can help you
XRazorbladeKiss8: help me??
XRazorbladeKiss8: what do u mean help me
YouthAgainstEst9: with why she was sad
XRazorbladeKiss8: okay what do u wana kno
YouthAgainstEst9: what-made-her-sad
XRazorbladeKiss8: what!
YouthAgainstEst9: no hablos engleigh?
XRazorbladeKiss8: no lol im stupid
YouthAgainstEst9: i know
YouthAgainstEst9: what made her sad
XRazorbladeKiss8: what do u want me to tell u tho
YouthAgainstEst9: thats my question
YouthAgainstEst9: u said something
YouthAgainstEst9: to make her sad
XRazorbladeKiss8: idk thats why im asking u
YouthAgainstEst9: tell me what u said
XRazorbladeKiss8: how do u know shes sad
YouthAgainstEst9: cause she told me
YouthAgainstEst9: 2 ins ago ont he internet
XRazorbladeKiss8: whatd she say
YouthAgainstEst9: that u (becca) were making her said with what she said
XRazorbladeKiss8: ugh
YouthAgainstEst9: ugh what tell me what said
XRazorbladeKiss8: i asked her why she broke up with u n she said cuz she wanted to see what ud do and cuz she never gets to see u
YouthAgainstEst9: that wouldnt make her sad
YouthAgainstEst9: what else did u say
XRazorbladeKiss8: and i asked her if she still talked to bret
XRazorbladeKiss8: and she said yeah and that he didnt like her nemore
XRazorbladeKiss8: and i said i dont see why u wud choose william over bret
XRazorbladeKiss8: and shes like why
XRazorbladeKiss8: im like cuz bret liked u for the right reasons and william doesnt
XRazorbladeKiss8: and shes like what reasons
XRazorbladeKiss8: im like well bret liked u for other things other than bc ur hot
YouthAgainstEst9: and i didnt
XRazorbladeKiss8: no u didnt
YouthAgainstEst9: u dont talk to me
YouthAgainstEst9: ever
YouthAgainstEst9: how would u know anything
YouthAgainstEst9: about me
XRazorbladeKiss8: all i ever hear u say is how hot she is
XRazorbladeKiss8: people warned me about u 2 begin with
XRazorbladeKiss8: i told her that also
YouthAgainstEst9: cause i dont feel like listening to ur shit
YouthAgainstEst9: ever.
XRazorbladeKiss8: every1 in the whole school warned me about how u r
YouthAgainstEst9: ur a class A number 1 bitch u know what
YouthAgainstEst9: everyone in the whole school
YouthAgainstEst9: is who
XRazorbladeKiss8: how the fuck am i a bitch
XRazorbladeKiss8: im just telling the truth
YouthAgainstEst9: about what
XRazorbladeKiss8: u know fucking what u never wud have even met her if it wasnt for me giving bret her sn
YouthAgainstEst9: and who is 'the whole school'
XRazorbladeKiss8: the only reason u fucking wanted to meet her was cuz u thot she was hot
XRazorbladeKiss8: dont fucking say its not cuz it is
YouthAgainstEst9: at first
XRazorbladeKiss8: "OH LEAH I LOVE U UR SO HOT"
YouthAgainstEst9: yeah
XRazorbladeKiss8: get a fucking life
YouthAgainstEst9: i have a fucking life
YouthAgainstEst9: and i dont need razorblades to get it
XRazorbladeKiss8: if im such a fucking bitch then why the fuck did u ask me out like 3 times?!??!
XRazorbladeKiss8: "dont go out with william he tries to get pussy from every girl!"""
XRazorbladeKiss8: i dont fucking remember who said that but i know some1 did
YouthAgainstEst9: because i didnt exactly think u were a scuicidal whore (yes whore) before i asked u out
XRazorbladeKiss8: how am i whore?
YouthAgainstEst9: dont go out with william he tries to get pussy from every girl
YouthAgainstEst9: haha
YouthAgainstEst9: thats derrick
XRazorbladeKiss8: what!
XRazorbladeKiss8: derrick does not
YouthAgainstEst9: no
YouthAgainstEst9: derrick said that
XRazorbladeKiss8: hahah
XRazorbladeKiss8: well its true!
YouthAgainstEst9: no.
YouthAgainstEst9: u dont know me.
XRazorbladeKiss8: bullshit
YouthAgainstEst9: derrick doesnt know me.
XRazorbladeKiss8: the fuck i dont.
XRazorbladeKiss8: i know how u r
YouthAgainstEst9: the fuck u dont
YouthAgainstEst9: and u know it
XRazorbladeKiss8: derrick has nothing to do with this
YouthAgainstEst9: tell me
XRazorbladeKiss8: i know that the only reason u like leah is cuz u thot she was hot
YouthAgainstEst9: when have i ever had sex?
YouthAgainstEst9: huh
XRazorbladeKiss8: florida
XRazorbladeKiss8: hot tub
XRazorbladeKiss8: alcohol
YouthAgainstEst9: i go out with everygirl for the pussy right
XRazorbladeKiss8: BAM!
YouthAgainstEst9: when was the last time i had sex
XRazorbladeKiss8: u told me urself!
XRazorbladeKiss8: spring break FLA alcohol
YouthAgainstEst9: good job
YouthAgainstEst9: now
XRazorbladeKiss8: hahah im right
YouthAgainstEst9: give me one other time i ever have
XRazorbladeKiss8: never??
YouthAgainstEst9: thats what i thought.
XRazorbladeKiss8: NEVER!
XRazorbladeKiss8: there was no other time
YouthAgainstEst9: n-e-v-e-r
YouthAgainstEst9: exactly
YouthAgainstEst9: so
XRazorbladeKiss8: the only time u did was in FLA
YouthAgainstEst9: if i go out with ever girl just for the pussy..i would go out with girls like u
XRazorbladeKiss8: yeah u wanted to. but i said no.
YouthAgainstEst9: bullshit
YouthAgainstEst9: u told me urself u wanted to
XRazorbladeKiss8: the only reason u liked me was cuz u thot i was hot.
XRazorbladeKiss8: u didnt even know me
XRazorbladeKiss8: same goes with leah
YouthAgainstEst9: hahah
YouthAgainstEst9: whee.
XRazorbladeKiss8: yeah u said it
XRazorbladeKiss8: i still have it in my profile somewhere.
XRazorbladeKiss8: okay what did i tell u myself?

YouthAgainstEst9: u said 'i wanted to'
YouthAgainstEst9: when we were tralking about sex
XRazorbladeKiss8: i wanted to what
XRazorbladeKiss8: with u??
YouthAgainstEst9: that means u. ont hat night.
XRazorbladeKiss8: that was a long time ago dude.
XRazorbladeKiss8: get over it.
XRazorbladeKiss8: u cant call me a fucking whore if ive only had sex one time
YouthAgainstEst9: but thing is
YouthAgainstEst9: if u woulda gotten josh or ne one over
YouthAgainstEst9: u woulda had a fucking bash
XRazorbladeKiss8: u fucking said u wanted to too
YouthAgainstEst9: so what
XRazorbladeKiss8: josh has nothing to do with this neway
YouthAgainstEst9: just example
XRazorbladeKiss8: uh no i probably wudnt have
YouthAgainstEst9: bullshit
XRazorbladeKiss8: me and josh went out for what? 2 days???
XRazorbladeKiss8: and of course it didnt work out cuz we're better off as friends
YouthAgainstEst9: u never went out with me and look what u did
XRazorbladeKiss8: so?
YouthAgainstEst9: imagine what it woulda been like with josh
YouthAgainstEst9: hes 10 times more peverted than me ne ways
XRazorbladeKiss8: its none of ur business to begin with
YouthAgainstEst9: o shit
XRazorbladeKiss8: ur over at my house going UR YUMMY and U HAVE NICE BOOBS
XRazorbladeKiss8: wtf man
YouthAgainstEst9: than niether is me and leah ur business
YouthAgainstEst9: ok
YouthAgainstEst9: so drop it
XRazorbladeKiss8: u call that not perverted
YouthAgainstEst9: im done
XRazorbladeKiss8: wtf ever
YouthAgainstEst9: yeah
YouthAgainstEst9: josh woulda been like yeah lets see that ass and ud been getting poked
YouthAgainstEst9 signed off at 5:47:53 PM.

Well...me and Justin got in a fight last night...not really a fight. Just my shit. Me being stupid. Maybe I really don't know how to handle a relationship. I mean, I haven't felt this way about anyone. It's kinda scary.... I love him...and I'm sorry.

*becca*

Favorites...

11: Shampoo: Herbel Essences... Oh yes.
12: Toothpaste: Some kids blue sparkly kind that I made Derrick and Bret watch me eat lol
13: Soap: tone - Lisa Mornae
14: Type of soup: Chicken and stars!
15: Room in your house: mine.
16: Instrument: Guitar...if I must choose
Flower: Not sure.

Either/Or...

17: Coffee or hot chocolate? coffee
18: Big or little? depends on what your talking about hehe
19: Lace or satin? satin
20: New or old? depends
21: Neve Campbell or Jennifer Love Hewitt? Neve
22: Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt? Brad
23: Vogue or Material Girl? What!
24: Jeans or cords? uhh?
25: Sweater or sweatshirt? sweatshirt
26: T shirt or tank top? T
27: Skirt or dress? Skirt
28: Wool or cotton? cotton
29: Rose or Lily? rose
30: The way it is or the way it was? the way it is...i um guess
31: Oldies or pop? Oldies..
32: Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Yesh..Justin
33: Do you have a best friend? A few

In the last 24 hours, have you...

34: Cried? Yes
35: Helped someone? yep
36: Bought something? No
37: Gotten sick? no
38: Gone to the movies? no
39: Gone out for dinner? no
40: Said "I love you"? Yesh
41: Written a real letter? no
42: Moved on? no
43: Talked to an ex? Yes Jon lol
44: Missed an ex? No...well every once in a while I think about Derrick...
45: Written in a journal? i am now
46: Talked to someone you have a crush on? yes
47: Had a serious talk? Yes...with Justin, but I shall not repeat it lol
48: Missed someone? yes
49: Hugged someone? no
50: Fought with your parents? Yes, my mom told me to put the dishes away and I said I didn't want to but I did it anyway lol does that count
51: Fought with a friend? Yeah Cody

Do you.....

52: Wear eye shadow? yes
53: Put on a "front"? WTF?
54: Kiss on the first date? Depends if I know them well enough
55: Have a crush on someone? I guess
56: Eat with your mouth open? Not usually
59: What was the last CD you bought? Slipknot
60: How did you spend last summer? Disney... I suppose
61: When's the last time you showered? This morning
62: Are you tired? eh, not too much
63: Are you lonely? Yes...
64: Are you happy? Have I ever been happy?
65: Are you wearing pajamas? Yes hehe
66: Are you talking to someone online? Yeah some1 IMed me and wanted to know who the hell I was lol
67: What are the initials of your crush/interest/spouse? JRK! HAHAH that almost spells jerk lol sorry
68: What is your astrological sign? Aquarias
69: What is the sign of your crush/interest/spouse? : Same as mine! I think...feb. 11 w/e that is
70: What time is it? 1:40

----------------------------------------

MY HAIR: I need to brush it again lol
MY MAKEUP: Black eyeliner...the usual
MY DREAMS: Death to snapple bottles!
MY OBSESSION: Bam Margera
MY MOST ATTRACTIVE FEATURE: ? idk ask someone useful
MY FAVORITE THING TO DO: Talk to Justin..he makes me so happy!
I'M WEARING: PJS! I already told u damnit. Well I am wearing Justin's boxers lol
I'M EATING: nothing
I'M DRINKING: my own spit
I'M LISTENING TO: Mudvayne
I'M FEELING: Bad...
I'M THINKING: About Justin
I SEE: the computer screen
I FIND: huh?
I WANT: To be happy
I HAVE: no money
I WISH: Upon a starrrrrr
I LOVE: Justin... My friends..
I HATE: Myself and homophobs
I MISS: Justin damn
I FEAR: Death...snapple bottles, hotdogs, (lol Justin)
I SMELL: It smells like soap in here...


. : Family : .

[ .028. ] mother's name: Sue Ann i think lol
[ .029. ] father's name: Idk my dad
[ .030. ] step-parent's names, if any: None
[ .031. ] brother(s)'s name(s): Robert
[ .032. ] sister(s)'s name(s): None
[ .033. ] favorite aunt: Aunt Tracy, but she's in jail right now lol
[ .034. ] favorite uncle: He's my great Uncle though...randy
[ .035. ] favorite grandparent: My mom's MOM! Whom i call MAW!
[ .036. ] worst relative: My Uncle Tim...Big God fanatic..
[ .037. ] best relative: My Cuz Josh! But I never see him anymore...Or maybe John Allen
[ .038. ] do you get along with your parents: No.
[ .039. ]No.

: Pets : .

[ .040. ] do you have any pets: yesh 3 cats (not by choice)
[ .041. ] what are their names: Terrorist, Bonnie, Squeky lol
[ .042. ] what kind of animals are they: Kitty

. : School :
.
[ .043. ] are you still in school: School's out for summer...kickass song...
[ .044. ] did you drop out: NO!
[ .045. ] current gpa, or last gpa you got: I 4got
[ .046. ] favorite grade: dunno
[ .047. ] least favorite grade: 8th...ive done bad bad things
[ .048. ] favorite teacher: Ms. Ayers...even tho she's a sub
[ .049. ] least favorite teacher: Mrs. Mcknight..
[ .050. ] favorite subjects: Language Arts...
[ .051. ] least favorite subject: Science and Math
[ .052. ] do/did you buy lunch or bring it: i usally dont have anything but i buy
[ .053. ] play any sports on the school's team: nope, THEY ALL SUCK! TEHE!
[ .054. ] do/did you do any extracurricular activities: No
[ .055. ] are/were you popular: I doubt it lol I'm not like a reject but yeah
[ .057. ] favorite memory: All of the great times in Science with the people in Mrs. Allen's class. GOOD TIMES! You people make science fun lol (Clark, Myranda, JJ, Phillip)
[ .059. ] least favorite memory: Derrick hating me, Bret hating me, ouch that hurts.
[ .060. ] most humiliating moment:When Dustin pulled my shirt up in the middle of the hallway lol

. : Favorites : .

[ .061. ] number: 13
[ .062. ] clothing brand: hm.. idk
[ .063. ] shoes: My beautiful converse
[ .064. ] saying: Cut your throat and keep walking
[ .065. ] tv show: Viva la bam
[ .066. ] sport: soccer
[ .067. ] vegetable: Frozen carrots!
[ .068. ] fruit: Strawberries
[ .069. ] movie: The breakfast Club
[ .070. ] magazine: Rolling Stone
[ .071. ] actor: Ashton Kutcher
[ .072. ] actress: Hmmm...Gwyenth Paltrow lol
[ .073. ] candy: Snow caps
[ .074. ] gum: Zebra! Idk if they make it nemore!
[ .075. ] scent: Depends
[ .076. ] candy bar: MR GOODBAR!
[ .077. ] ice cream flavor: Mint Chocolate Chip
[ .078. ] color: black red Pink
[ .079. ] season: Fall...that means Halloween!
[ .080. ] holiday: Halloween DAMNIT!
[ .081. ] band/musician/singer/etc: LOTS! (Mudvayne, SLipknot, Nirvana, HIM, Slayer)
[ .082. ] singer: arg look up
[ .085. ] type of music: Rock/Metal
[ .086. ] thing in your room: Jack...my snake
[ .087. ] place to be: With MY Justin! lol
[ .088. ] radio station: 99x, 96 rock
[ .089. ] tv channel: MTV! That means VIVA LA BAM!
[ .090. ] junk food: Poptarts
[ .091. ] overall food: Pasta
[ .092. ] store: Hottopiccccc
[ .093. ] shoe brand: Converse-ALL STAR! WOO!
[ .094. ] fast food: TACO BELL!
[ .095. ] restaurant: Le Madeline...French Place
[ .096. ] shape: Heart :)
[ .097. ] time of day: evening, night
[ .098. ] country: FRANCE! SO KOOL!
[ .099. ] state: Cali
[ .100. ] boys name: KYLE! Tyler
[ .101. ] girls name: Danielle, Lonnie!
[ .102. ] mall: Mall Of GA duh
[ .103. ] video game: MArio kart hehe
[ .104. ] shampoo: i already answered this
[ .105. ] board game: Life, Oh no bad memories...RAH!
[ .106. ] computer game: Uhh
[ .107. ] car: Let's see...
[ .108. ] music video: dunno
[ .109. ] swear word: FUCK YOU! HAHA
[ .110. ] word: FUCK! lol jk umm
[ .111. ] month: OCTOBER! Halloween DUH!
[ .112. ] cartoon character: BLUE! From blues clues!
[ .113. ] scary movie: um... IT! Oh yes..clowns
[ .114. ] team: agh, i duno
[ .115. ] possession: Jack and my bracelet that Justin gave me after he jacked off with it on lol JP!

. : What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear : .

[ .117. ] dog: bone
[ .118. ] hot: sauce
[ .122. ] orange: juice
[ .123. ] choice: GRAPE! idk lol
[ .124. ] loser: ME
[ .125. ] bisexual: shutup
[ .126. ] black: red
[ .130. ] milkshake: I hate that song!
[ .131. ] rainbow: brite
[ .132. ] cherry: pie
[ .133. ] cucumber: pickles
[ .135. ] lifehouse: good band!
[.136. ] bats: Vampires
[ .137. ] leather: black
[ .138. ] whip: ME!
[ .139. ] america: die.
[ .140. ] water: ocean
[ .141. ] volcano:Tomatoe sauce lol

. : This or that : .

[ .142. ] rock or rap: rock!
[ .143. ] rock or pop: rock!
[ .144. ] rock or r&b: ROCK DAMNIT!
[ .155. ] hot or cold: Hot
[ .156. ] winter or summer: summer
[ .157. ] spring or fall: FALL! Halloween DAMNIT!
[ .158. ] shakira or britney: briteny if i must choose
[ .169. ] black or white: black
[ .170. ] orange or red: red
[ .171. ] yellow or green: green
[ .172. ] purple or pink: pink
[ .175. ] inside or outside: inside
[ .176. ] weed or alcohol: al
[ .177. ] cell phone or pager: cell phOne
[ .178. ] pen or pencil: pen
[ .179. ] powerpuff girls or charlie's angels: powerpuff girls
[ .180. ] scooby doo or dino: dinO! MEMMEMEMEM
[ .182. ] star wars or star trek: neither!
[ .183. ] tattoos or piercings: eh, piercingsz

. : Private life : .

[ .186. ] do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend: Yes, justin
[ .187. ] do you have a crush: yes
[ .188. ] do you love anyone right now: Very much so.
[ .189. ] have you ever been in love: yes
[ .190. ] how many people have you kissed: i dont keep cOunt
[ .191. ] who was your first kiss: Dunno
[ .192. ] how many hearts of have you broken: i duno
[ .193. ] how many people broke your heart: i duno
[ .194. ] best quote to sum up love: dunno
[ .195. ] so what is your bf/gf/crush like: None of ur business!!
[ .196. ] do you have a picture of him/her: Yes
[ .197. ] please post it if you do: My comp crashed so i dont have it nemore :(
[ .198. ] do you have a picture of yourself: yes
[ .199. ] please post it if you do: My comp crashed! GRR
[ .200. ] do you go by looks or personality: bOth
[ .201. ] ever kiss a friend: yes
[ .202. ] are you still friends: ya
[ .203. ] so moving along..do you smoke:No I'm a good girl
[ .204. ] do you smoke weed: no.
[ .205. ] ever trip on acid: no
[ .206. ] how about a little ecstacy: once
[ .207. ] crack, heroin, anything else: RAH! Maybe
[ .208. ] beer good or beer bad: screw beer lets go get some vodka!
[ .209. ] are you the sissy who drinks wine coolers: no
[ .210. ] do you like smirnoff ice: not really
[ .211. ] prefer beer or liquor: VODKA!
[ .212. ] what kind of cigarettes do you smoke: none..
[ .213. ] are you a virgin: no
[ .214. ] if no, when was the last time you got some: About a week before school was out...

. : Would you ever : .

[ .215. ] bungee jump: OMG! YES! I WANT TO SO BAD!
[ .216. ] sky dive: (SAME AS ABOVE)
[ .217. ] swim with dolphins: yes!
[ .218. ] scuba dive: (ABOVE)
[ .219. ] go rock climbing: YES
[ .220. ] eat shit for $1,000,000: for that kind of cash FUCK YEAH!
[ .221. ] turn your back on your friends for personal gain: no
[ .222. ] steal a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend: :-/ NO!
[ .223. ] cross-dress: all chicks do, it's those men you have to worry about
[ .224. ] lie to the police: if i get away with it
[ .225. ] run from the police: why wasts my time...you will get cought anyways
[ .226. ] lie to your parents: yeah
[ .227. ] walk up to a stranger and kiss them: no
[ .228. ] be an exotic dancer: Maybe
[ .229. ] walk out of a restaurant without paying: Been there done that
[ .230. ] streak: Yesh

. : Your friends : .

[ .231. ] best friend: Jon
[ .232. ] known longest: None. cuz i left all my friends in ATL!
[ .233. ] wish you talked to more: Jon
[ .234. ] wish you saw more: Jon
[ .235. ] how many friends do you think you have: Enough
[ .236. ] who drives you insane after a while: Jordan
[ .237. ] who can you stay around forever and never get sick of: Justin
[ .238. ] ever lose a good friend because you took it to the 'next level': YES...
[ .239. ] craziest: Bret...he's not considered a friend nemore though... *Frowns*
[ .240. ] loudest: Jordan Definitly lol
[ .241. ] shyest: Josh
[ .242. ] best hair: Bret... again even though he's not considered a friend...*tear* we used to be...I wonder what happend...
[ .243. ] can always make you laugh: Josh/Jon
[ .244. ] best eyes: Justin
[ .245. ] best body: Will Edge Oh yes...(lol Justin don't hurt me!)
[ .246. ] most athletic: Will
[ .247. ] sex symbol: um.
[ .248. ] hot tempered: Jordan
[ .249. ] most impatient: Dunno
[ .250. ] shortest: Clark
[ .251. ] tallest: Alan
[ .252. ] talented: Jon
[ .253. ] best singer: Dunno
[ .254. ] skinniest: Lauren
[ .255. ] nicest: all.....
[ .256. ] best personality: ALL!
[ .257. ] biggest drug user: Austin F. lol or dustin

. : Have you ever : .

[ .258. ] flashed someone: yes
[ .259. ] told the person you liked how you felt: yesh
[ .260. ] been to michigan: no, WTF kind of a ? is that?
[ .261. ] gotten really REALLY wasted: .......YEAh.
[ .262. ] gone to jail or juvi: no
[ .263. ] skateboarded: Kinda
[ .264. ] skinny dipped: Not yet
[ .265. ] stolen anything: HAHA! Yes. the big bootied lady chasing me and leah out of claires lol and oh yeah one time with andrew...
[ .266. ] wanted to kick my ass for making this so long: YESH!
[ .267. ] kicked someone's ass: yesh (literal meaning)
[ .268. ] pegged someone in the head with a snowball: YEAH
[ .269. ] broke a beer bottle: uhh yea who hasent
[ .270. ] gotten into a bar, under-aged: no im not that lucky
[ .271. ] kissed someone of the same sex: NOPE! unfortunetly lol
[ .273. ] gone on a road trip: yes
[ .274. ] gone on vacation without adult supervision: no
[ .275. ] been to a concert: YEAH!!!!!!!
[ .276. ] been to another country: no
[ .277. ] talked back to an adult: yes
[ .278. ] got pulled over: yeah
[ .279. ] go in a car accident: YES! It was my fault too! Cuz I was begging whoever was driving for a pen lol
[ .280. ] broke a law: many
[ .281. ] given money to a homeless person: yeah
[ .282. ] tried to kill yourself: Yes
[ .283. ] cried to get out of trouble: yes
[ .284. ] kissed a friend's brother or sister: I don't believe so.
[ .285. ] kissed a brother or sister's friend: No
[ .286. ] dropped something on the floor that you were cooking and let someone eat it anyways: yeah SHHHH!

. : Opinions : .

[ .289. ] about flag burning: ummm
[ .290. ] of the war on terrorists: bush sucks ass
[ .291. ] about suicide: hey, its the easy way out.
[ .292. ] about people who try to force their opinions on you: say 'fuck off'
[ .294. ] about rock/metal music: FUCK YES.
[ .295. ] where do you think you'll be in 10 years: Somewhere...dead...
[ .296. ] who do you think you'll still be friends with in 5 yrs: I duno

. : What did you do : .

[ .297. ] last birthday: everyone forgot...
[ .298. ] yesterday: nothing.
[ .299. ] last weekend: i 4 got..pool with justin? or maybe that was the one b4...
[ .300. ] christmas: um opened presents
[ .301. ] thanksgiving: Went to BAMA!
[ .302. ] new year's eve: IDK!
[ .303. ] halloween: Six Flags with andrew
[ .304. ] easter: not sure
[ .305. ] valentine's day: Sat at home and cried cuz derrick was in bama

. : the last : .

[ .306. ] thing you ate: french toast
[ .307. ] thing you drank: milk ick
[ .308. ] thing you wore: dunno
[ .309. ] place you went: My house
[ .310. ] thing you got pierced/tatooed: dunno
[ .311. ] person you saw: My momo
[ .312. ] person you kissed: Justin
[ .314. ] person you talked to: Idk
[ .315. ] song you heard: Down-Blink 182

. : Now : .

[ .316. ] what are you eating: nothing
[ .317. ] what are you drinking: nothing
[ .318. ] what are you wearing: I already told u
[ .319. ] any shoes on: nope
[ .320. ] hair: told u!
[ .321. ] listening to: music, duh
[ .322. ] talking to anyone: No
[ .323. ] are you pissed i made this so long: Pissed?! YeS! PISSED THE FUCK OFF!

. : Yes or no : .

[ .324. ] are you a vegetarian: no
[ .325. ] do you like cows: HAHA! YES GO COWS!
[ .326. ] are you a bitch: Yes
[ .327. ] are you artistic: no
[ .328. ] do you write poetry: Yes
[ .329. ] are you a fast runner: no lol
[ .330. ] can you ski: no
[ .331. ] are you british: no
[ .334. ] did you ever give barbie a haircut: yes!
[ .335. ] would you eat mac & cheese with hot dogs in it: Hotdogs? RAH! *hides*
[ .336. ] do you think disney creators were on acid when they made 'alice in wonderland': probably
[ .337. ] are you straight: no lol
[ .338. ] are you handicapped: in the mind
[ .339. ] are you fat: VERY!
[ .340. ] are you skinny: VERY!
[ .341. ] are you short: FUCK YOU!
[ .342. ] are you tall: FUCK YOU!
[ .343. ] do you own a hot pink shirt: Yes
[ .344. ] how about orange pants: ew no
[ .345. ] can you see the flying monkeys: ON the wizard of oz! mwaha
[ .346. ] are you evil: no! of course not!
[ .347. ] did you ever know someone who had a mullet: um idk
[ .349. ] are you a teenage zombie: what the crap is that
[.350. ] am i annoying you: yea
[.351. ] do you like marilyn manson: FUCK YES!
[352. ] are you secretly from another planet: Yes I'm from planet kiss my white ass
[ .353. ] did you ever touch someone else's private parts: ew...............but yeah lol

. : Random questions : .

[ .355. ] if you could be any animal, what would you be: FROGGIE! hehe
[ .356. ] if you had to eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would you eat: Food
[ .357. ] do you remember any of your dreams: yes
[ .358. ] do you dream in color or black and white: i dont rememeber
[ .359. ] do you admit when you need help with a problem: sometimes
[ .360. ] can people read you like a book: not really..
[ .361. ] what's your biggest fear: Death
[ .362. ] do you talk a lot: yes
[ .363. ] are you afraid of clowns: Yes
[ .364. ] do you like spiders: i dont like them no lol
[ .365. ] how about grape kool-aid: ew no
[ .366. ] can you drive: yes, just not very good
[ .367. ] are you spoiled: no
[ .368. ] are you anti-social: no
[ .370. ] do you see dumb people: all the time
[ .371. ] any last words: I LOVE JUSTIN.
[ .372. ] now that this is over, what are you going to do: Sleep